This was a crazy month. A great deal of phone calls, appointments, tests, waiting, tears, and panic have led to the following conclusion: I have a benign tumor that, because of its positioning, needs to come out. Surgery is penciled in for November. It’s an outpatient procedure and shouldn’t be a huge deal—assuming I clear the final hurdle where they biopsy what they take out to make 100% sure there’s no malignancy. The chance of that is low, but not zero.

This isn’t my first brush with illness or surgery, but it is my first time staring down the C-word. (Notice how I can’t even type it out? Chickenshit, I know.) I’m 36, and while that’s young, my family’s uncomfortably good at producing insane health scenarios. I’m not afraid of dying; epilepsy taught me there’s nothing to fear there. I’m more afraid of long-term suffering, and of being stuck in a physical and/or mental state that prevents me from doing all the things I want to do.

I made it through one biopsy without any problems, although the biopsy itself came as a total surprise and waiting for results was, um, hard. The months leading up to surgery originally seemed like they’d be just as hard to wait out, but—trying to be a good Stoic—I’ve flipped my perspective on the matter. I’m not doomed until they absolve me. I’m fine until they tell me otherwise.

Something I read recently is that, due to our vivid imaginations, the fear of things always ends up being worse than the thing itself. So I keep that in mind. All my bloodwork has been good, and I feel fine. This is a fresh reminder to appreciate everything little thing I have. I get to be grateful for “funemployment” all over again, because my flexible schedule allows me to prioritize my health when needed.

Writing Updates

Medical appointments cut into writing time, while anxiety sent creativity packing. As desperately as I needed the distraction, it was often hard to concentrate on the days when I did have an open schedule. I’ve gotten to 7 chapters with 30k words, but at this point I feel disconnected from the previous 6 chapters. What the hell did I write before all this happened, LOL? I’ll have to reread everything before proceeding.

Current Goals

Well-rounded Latin practice. Studying vocabulary flashcards daily, textbook work and conjugation/declension practice most days, listening to podcasts. Soon, it will be time to consider applying for the immersion program next summer. However, my future’s kind of in limbo right now. As much as I don’t want to be superstitious, making long-term plans feels like tempting fate.

Listening to German. Still listening to news and audio lessons from Deutsche Welle.

Civic Engagement. I filled out vote-reminder cards for the ACLU, and helped people register to vote. A lot of people don’t know that they can update their registration online! When our state gets something right, that’s cause for rejoicing.

Travel 2019? Again, it feels iffy at the moment, but we’ll think about where we might want to go assuming all goes well.

Good luck with everything you’re up to, and I’ll see you next month!